Where are the boundries?

Friends.... you love your friends and will do anything for them. Calls late at night to chat, doing things above and beyond to help, dragging yourself out of your bed even if you are ill to help, smiling when your down as you do not wish to drag your friends down with you... and then you do it.... you get pissed.... and get physical. Then the lines get blurred. You have the chat about being friends with benefits and you think that's great. Then the going above and beyond gets expected.... your still expected to be mates and talk about mate things when your wanted and be helpful when your wanted as well as being physical when your wanted. It's great at times as it boosts your confidence, makes you feel happier in your skin, gets you out of your normal routine. The physical gets better and better and you think maybe just maybe things can progress... then you get a slap in the face that reminds you that you will never be the slim, tanned and you will never be the demanding head case that is expected. You will always be the token girl in the group of men who is asked to the pub the drink pints and play pool. You will get invited to weekends away camping but then there will be the new slap 'can you just'.... you know what no I can't. You want me come and get me! I am a bloody lovely person and I am a great catch for anyone so if it is no emotions you want then it is no emotion you will get!! I can love so much and give so much but at the same time I can also be an ice queen. Yes I will smile on the outside but to save pain I will be cold on the inside. I will just hold out for the person who wants to feel that warmth and no it will not be a girl! :) So Mr right who ever you are hold on to your heart as its mine to keep warm!

Why?

There is plenty I could type on here but in all honesty I do not have the energy. I have had enough of being the happy one and the one who is strong and right now I am just the one who is fed up of being single and wanting to have someone to talk to or not talk to depending on the case! So hey this is me fed up!

Room With a View

Well I have had enough. Why do we bother? Life is full of ups and downs, well when the fooking hell am I gonna get an up? Any up will do. Is it too much to ask? Millions of us work to live which is beyond annoying. We cling to the hope that one day someone will notice, one day someone will pat us on the back, one day someone will tap us on the shoulder, one day will be an up day. It's bollox. You work you graft and you die. You put your all into everything and some twat will come along and crap on you from such a height that by the time it hits you its a blanket. Not just a little spattering but a blanket. No holes no oxygen no day light shit blanket. There are the few people who send you texts and emails and little msn messages that pick up your spirits, make you think there is a hole somewhere in the shit balnket. So you keep trudging and feel happy that someone out there cares enough to send you little messages. The shit blanket starts to feel lighter. You are happy as someone is going to pop over and see you. They have been laughing with you through your shit blanket for years. Your spirits lift and you even start to smell the flowers through the shit. Then a new blanket falls. This one you know well. This is the stood up blanket. You have worn it before with previous men in your life. You swore you would never be hit by it again. Never feel that empty again. Well guess what! You fooked up. It crept up and found you. You don's stodd with being stood up once though do you! No you get stood up by a second person, but hey you give him the benefit of the doubt and guess what you get stood up on Monday too but you are nice about it and then guess what it happens again on Tuesday. So I give to me the award for being the biggest sap on Hecate's great earth. You are a mug. A twat. A great big fat sap. Yet again you have been treated like a mug and you have given up your free time, which is rare, on these people. Well done. Give yourself a pat on the back as no one else will. Get me a bath chair and hand me some green jelly and I will sit by the windown and watch the rain. No interaction needed. Could not hear you through the shit blanket anyway.

Sarcasm

Say what you will about sarcasm I like it. It can be taken in jest and offensively and sometimes it does not get taken anything as it totally passes by the person it was aimed at. On the odd occasion though my sarcastic cloak or protection, the one I wear to not look vulnerable and breakable, causes people to try and push me further than I can actually deal with. I may look like someone who does not give a toss and who is able to cope with all thrown at her, but you know what, I am not. I am soft and squishy and I get scared and freeze and then something odd happens. It all goes slow. Part of me wants to be violent and bash your face in and crush your nose until it is flat against your face and they other part of me just wants to calm everything down so as not to create a scene. So if I ever ask for something to be done please do it. I do not lead life to make mine and all around me lead a difficult one, hell I crave the easy life. If my request means that you and yours will be kept safe and un harmed then please just do it. Do not get angry and rude and start pushing me around as yes I have no doubt you will get grabbed by someone else as hitting someone who has not been threatening is not wise, neither is being a man and hitting a woman in an office that deals with laborers. You are asking for trouble. Yelling at my rescuer 'you are not in South Africa now' is not only rude, racist and childish but its also hurtful and spiteful. Everyday I see more and more evidence of 'Napoleon Syndrome' and it was no more apparent today in the short black man who attacked me. Next time I will leave his wife in the un safe area with their 5 series BMW and pray to Heacte' that it get damaged. Hopefully that way I will keep my skin where it should be and will not be waiting for bruises to appear to show why my arm hurts and I also will not need a hero who gets history thrown in his face. People.

Brain Vomit

Well my weekend rocked! I may be 27 and slightly wobby around the middle and yes I do like getting as much sleep as I can and no sweating is not one of my favorite things and neither is being ankle deep in mud. If however you stick me in a drum n base tent and its involves global gathering, mud nor sweat will stop me from totally zoming out and only coming too as someone off their face decides to windmill their arms! I love Global. I may not be able to listen to drum n base at home or in my own car but on the way to Global and for the hours on end while there its all I want to listen to and dance to! There is no age limit or dress code and even though you have the pissed, the intoxicated, the high and the totally oblivious, I have never seen a fight. I mean there are 50,000 people in a muddy field with horrid loos and expensive food and drink, more police than you can wave a stick at when you walk through the main gate (did not see any actually in the event? Go figure) and everyone was just so damn nice! There to have a good time and nothing else. Which leads me to my next comment. If all of the above can happen in a small damp place then why the hell are there so many totally rude people on a day to day basis? I don;t get paid enough to be spoken to the way I am by some people and 75% of the time I do not ask for it and the 25% when I do then I expect it. But please tell me this... do people wake up with an attitude? Are they born with it? Is it drummed into them from a young age? Do they give night classes I don't know about? Do people see a short girl and automatically thing that rudeness is going to get them what they want whereas it actually causes me to grow spines and become beyond annoyed and far more likely to not be helpful? Its like ex's of various catagories, 95% are still great to chat to and have a beer and a laugh even after all these years, but then there is the 5% who make you ask 'what the hell was I thinking? Was I thinking? Please tell me no thought was involved as DAMN!' They bitch and moan about things that are no longer important or even mattered to begin with and this is even more annoying when they ar no longer in the country. GET A GRIP! I have come to the conclusion I must have bad karma following me from several previous lives cos seriously am I that bad that I date dickheads, mummies boys or childish nincompoops? Then there are the guys I do like and they all have body odour. I know they are hard working laborers but get some bloody deodorant or wash or some damn thing cos its making my eyes water and my brain bleed! So these days I stay in watch the box and hug the cats. All i need now is a blanket for my knees and a flannel nightdress!

Grown up 14.07.07

I have come to the conclusion I am not really much of a grown up. Well not to look at anyway. I am sat at my colleagues desk covering for her day off and I look a right mess. I have a stain on my left boob where the melon decided to drip, remnants of chain lubricant from work, noodles just eaten and cat fluff. So I conclude I look barely grown up let alone a branch manager! Than again what is grown up? If it is wandering if your going to make enough money to cover bills, out goings and getting to the damn job then yes I am. If its getting home and attempting to make something half edible with the mother Hubbard's cupboard contents then yep, I am grown up. Listening to my friends repeat themselves over and over again about how crappy their partners are and how 'that's it this time' for the millionth time, that would be me, go the grown up. If however it is not crying at Never ending story when Artex is swallowed by the Nothing or watching Green Mile and being reduced to snot bubbles, then hey I am a kid. Not being able to quit get spaghetti bolognaise from plate to mouth without going via top, nope I am a child. Fish and chips being a treat and getting excited at the simplest of things and I am happy to be child like. All those years where I was told 'School years are the best of your life' ha I could not wait to leave. Right now I would love to go back! It may not have been easy but it was a doddle compared to 'growing up'. The only change from school to grown up is bills. You still have the same 'bullies' floating around except now they come more smartly dressed and brush their teeth. There is still the dread of bumping into people you 'fancy' while looking like a frump and you still need to please 'teacher' or your 'grades' will forever be low. Well enough for today. I am gonna go back to watching unicorns and fairies float around the yard gracefully whilst ingnoring the smog and noise that is actually there. Its great being a kid.

Blind date 30/07/07

I am not one who finds it easy to find a decent man to date. Not saying that there is not one out there but I seem to have a beacon for odd bods. This weekend was no exception.
Gumtree.com a brilliant website for getting everything you need from jobs to irons, somewhere to live somewhere to holiday but please do not expect the guys seeking girls to be any more truthful than cream that can give you Jodie Kidd legs!
I read an add that appealed to my sarcasm and my boredom. We talked and text for a few weeks and then on Saturday we arranged to meet in Camden. I love shopping and generally being in Camden as it is such a charged and yet relaxed place. Anyway I had never been out during the evening in Camden so was looking forward to it. After being tapped up for £3 by a homeless lady it took 20mins for me to find out what pub I was to meet him in. I should have known from the offset, he was not willing to come and get me from the tube leaving his pint, that we were not going to get on. We sat and chatted in the pub and then it happened. The inevitable shit that falls from peoples mouths and instantly turns me cold. I have always wandered if the people saying it can see my expression change or see from my body language? We were talking about concerts and the fact I have never been to one. When asked if I had ever seen any famous or semi famous bands I said I had seen the same band play and The Windmill in Brixton about 4 times and did that count? " Do you feel safe in Brixton" I frowned so he repeated " Do you feel safe in Brixton?" I asked if this was because Brixton is seen as a Black populated area (which it isn't but hey just goes to show how shallow people are). He then proceeded to tell me that they are scanks, they wheel and deal and are not shy who knows it. I pointed out that all races 'wheel and deal' and he started to look sheepish. Pratt. I would have loved for my friend to have just appeared, all 7'3 Barbados dreaded lot of him. But I remained polite and just ignored his comment. Over the weekend though and even through the week it has eaten at me. What an arse!! It winds me up something cronic that people can be so friggin superficial (not sure if thats the right word but its the most polite I can think of). How dare they put people into slots. Grrrrrrr
ANYWAY! We went from there to a pub 'Full or wierdoes'. Well I did not come across a single one. All I found was really nice people cramped into a tight space and not once did I get elbowed or my drink spilled or nasty looks or anything. Even the que for the loo was calm and people just chatted to one another. On my escape outside I met this really nice girl from Brittany called Gaelle. Between her and her friends they made my night, as did the rather cute chemist science due called Alex, much with the yumness! Would be happy as larry if I saw either of them again as was nice to be me. Anyway I have decided Camden is great and I have to go there again, even if the tube journey does make me grow spines and fangs! As for my blind date, well if I was to see him again it would be under duress or sedation!